In Lieu of Cynicism

My last few posts have been rather cynical.
Maybe I am a closet pessimist.
To change the mood up I decided to review myself as I near the end of the semester and decided to put up self realizations; 25 of them to be exact.
1: I love bare feet; my own of course, others gross me out. I love the way pavement; grass, carpet, and tile feel under my bare feet. I love not worrying about whether shoes go with my outfit.
2: I love driving with the windows down. I love when my hair gets mussed from the wind. Sexy don’t you think?
3: I make up stories about myself when I fly on airplanes. I love telling random folks about the life I wish I had. Awful you think? No, why shouldn’t I dream out loud?
4: I abhor snow. Nothing ruins a day like waking up to fresh snow. I see no purpose for it. It is cold, wet; it stinks and causes more casualties in the world. People should not be dying because of this awful occurrence in nature.
5: I am extremely observant but, only when it comes to people. Body language intrigues me. I like it when people express exactly what they mean to say through their body language even when it does not match what is coming out their mouth. I notice a lot of things others don’t through what they are screaming with their appendages.
6: I want to learn Italian. When G and I were in Italy I fell in love. Someday I will.
7: I don’t like my height. I am tall. Must everyone point it out when they meet me?
8: My childhood dream was to be a doctor. While others were dreaming of being princesses ( yes I did hit that stage, but quickly moved on) and mothers all I wanted to be was a doctor. I loved the human body even from a young age and was pretty determined to be a doctor. I have since moved on from that dream. It’s funny how dreams fade.
9: G (my beloved mother) is one of my very best friends. I truly feel bad for any man that I do end up with because he is going to have to learn to cope with my obsessive need to ask G about everything major decision ( and not so major decisions) in my life.
10: I want all boys when I finally get around to spawning. A girl would be nice, but boys are so fun.
11: I love football. It’s not just the tight pants the players walk around in, although that is a nice little bonus. I do love the game and everything about it.
12: I think white wedding dresses are tacky.
13: I love to read! I do not like chick lit however.
14: My nephew G is the love of my life. I would take a bullet for that little boy, and would proceed to jump over the moon if he asked me.
15: I love roller coasters. The thrill gets me every time.
16: I don’t like it when people talk loudly on the phone. If I wanted to hear what they were talking about I would have inquired myself.
17: I day dream often. I think of how my life could be if I had chosen different paths.
18: There is no filter between my brain and my mouth. Whatever I am thinking just comes right out (hence the title of my blog).
19: I love pride and prejudice. I quote it often, even when nobody understands but me.
20: I am obsessive about my teeth. I brush and floss multiple times a day.
21: I love yoga. I am a dedicated yogi and proud of it.
22: Popcorn is my favorite food.
23: I do not like receiving flowers. I think they are over-priced and useless. Any gentleman who has given me flowers has been written off. I take it as frivolous and thoughtless; quite contrary to popular belief of society.
24: I am lactose in tolerant. It does suck, please don’t ask.
25: I dearly love to laugh.
Please forgive me for two posts in one day I had to compensate for the negativity,

T.

Abandon Ship!

I cannot help it…

It’s my instinct, my inner desire, my first reaction.

In the words of Tom Cruise in one of my favorite movies “She’s Lost that lovin’ feelin” – Actually I never had it to begin with, but point proven I think.

I have a 3 week limit. I give a guy 3 weeks and then I am out.
Things seem to be going great. Even to me. Then I flip.

Confession #1: commitment scares me.

Confession #2: Love scares me even more.

Confession #3: I am a private person. Surprised? Yes I will tell you anything you want to know about my past, it doesn’t bother me. But, you want to know who I really am? Yeah that freaks me out.

Confession #4: I cannot define or prove love. No physical proof means therefore I lack a definite knowledge. (Reminds me of a certain movie that I significantly related to. Paper heart, if you haven’t seen it you need to).
These three factors drive me to the three weeks that I give.

Classic T scenario:
Week 1: Lovin’ life. I enjoy the chase. Actually I thrive on it. (I don’t play games so that is not at all what I am doing fellas). We go on our first date. We have a fantastic time.

Week 2: We hang out every day, cuddle, and maybe get a little lip action (Sorry, Mom if you are reading this). We are truly enjoying each other’s company. We find out a little bit more of each other, or a lot more about each other. I get comfortable (PROBLEM). I find the things I like about him and the things that I am less than fond of. I start to get a little bored. (Classic)

Week 3: You push to know more about me (HUGE PROBLEM). My insides are screaming at this point. Basic carnal instinct is telling me “GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!” He talks about commitment (BIG NO, NO). I find something that bugs me about him and I start to obsess. I am not talking about normal obsessing, I am talking about fixating on this one thing that bugs me about him and then I find that it affects everything that I even liked about him in the first place.

And I bail.

I have tried to fix myself, and on five separate occasions it has worked.

K: K was my first love (my only faith that it actually exists). He was my highschool sweetheart and my best friend. I loved being with him and we never got tired of eachother. We lasted over a year. It hurt when it ended. K’s and my relationship could possibly the root of all my problems.

C: He played hard to get. He was never quite mine; he always belonged to someone else. Don’t worry he came around and I bailed. 2 months. He is still a very good friend and I enjoy all of our daily conversations.
K: Also never quite mine, but I loved the chase, and our relationship. It was special. We were more friends than anything else. 3 months (possibly, I don’t quite remember)

R: He fooled me. I was optimistic, and fooled myself. 3 months.

H: He intrigues me. He makes me want to be better. He is an incredibly good friend. I would trust him with my life. Nothing has ever really happened, nothing probably ever will. I enjoy him for him. To be continued.

Few men have broken the barrier, but when they do. I never regret it.

I would love to love someone eventually.

When that will happen? No idea. I’ll have a good time searching for it.

Adventure is key. Love is relative.

With the deepest meaning of love you can imagine (whatever that means),
T.